He's Gone
by Kessafan
Summary: My first short story... This is what I think happens after Dimitri is lost in the caves; the missing week before Rose leaves for Russia. You may need some tissues... Don't forget to review...


**Well. I've finally written my first one shot! Yay me! :-) This is what I think may have happened after Dimitri was lost**  
**in the caves, what the week after was like for Rose. I think it's pretty sad, let me know if you**  
**think it's alright.**

**Thanks Sandy**

* * *

He's gone....

The next twelve hours were the longest in my life...

We'd run back to the campus with the injured, my stomach in knots the whole time, my heart tearing at the seams... I think the only reason I wasn't crying was that the wind in my face dried them before they could fall. Once inside the wards the adults went to work organising and whatnot, we novices were forgotten. All bar one of the captives had been saved...poor Molly; twelve in total, but in the process we'd lost six guardians... Thinking about what had been lost, _who_ had been lost, felt like someone was trying to reach into my chest and dig out what was left of my shredded heart.

He was gone... How could _he_ be gone?

"All for six...? All this for six...?" I whispered. Twelve saved...six lost, _Dimitri_ lost...

"You can't look at it that way," Eddie told me as we walked toward the clinic. "You didn't just save those lives; you guys killed almost thirty Strigoi, plus the ones on campus. Think about all the people they would have killed. You essentially saved all those people's lives too." I knew he was right... but I didn't give a shit about all _those_ people... I've lost Dimitri... I've lost my heart, my soul...my life. Then a thought occurred to me... what if he wasn't dead? What if he was only badly injured, lying in the caves waiting for us to come back? Looking up at the black star filled sky, I knew that I couldn't go back, not yet... I was checked out by Dr Olendzki and she sent me on my way, she had more serious injuries to attend to.

I could feel Lissa calling me through the bond, she was worried, afraid for my safety, but I couldn't face her yet, I couldn't face anyone. My heart felt like it was in a vice, slowly being squeezed...tighter and tighter.... I soon found myself outside the chapel, for the first time in my life I had the pressing need to pray. Normally it would be empty at this time of the day, but now, considering the death and tragedy of the last twenty-four hours, it was fairly full.

I found an empty pew in the very back corner... I sat there with my knees up and my arms wrapped around them. Memories of sitting beside Lissa after we returned and turning to see _him_ sitting in this seat flooded my mind... _He_ sat here for comfort, for solace... I don't know if he ever found it here, but at the moment, it wasn't doing anything for me... The tightening around my heart never let up. Memories of being held in his arms yesterday not only flashed in my head, but my body remembered his touch, his warmth, his strength... he couldn't be dead, I still felt him... he couldn't be dead....

I ran my fingers over Lissa's chotki, feeling the coolness of the cross and beads. I searched my mind desperately for prayers, but I was coming up empty... Surely God wouldn't hold that against me? Surely he was powerful enough to know what was going on in my mind...in my heart. Time blurred past unrecognised in my mind, I was numb as I tried to come to terms with the fact that _he_ wasn't here... There was nowhere on campus that I could go to find him, to talk to him, to touch him... I felt stiff from being in this position too long, so I stretched out along the pew and found myself staring at the gold-painted ceiling... saints and angels stared down at me... _Do something... help him. _I thought...

It was some time later that I woke up to find Lissa shaking me. She looked like an angel herself with her golden hair and gentle eyes. It was here that she finally realised that my relationship with Dimitri had been more than just a student teacher relationship. I hadn't meant to tell her, but when I thought that she could save him, I pleaded with her but she'd turned me down... The pain of knowing that she could help but wouldn't, hurt me... he could be alive, I could have him back with me, but she wouldn't do it. I would do anything for her, _any_thing, I would _die_ for her... why wouldn't she do this for me?

She dragged me to the cafeteria but the sight of food made me feel even sicker than being around Strigoi. After realising that I wasn't going to eat, we went back up to her room but instead of talking, I just curled up on her bed and went to sleep. The next time I opened my eyes was when my mother woke me to tell me they were checking the caves.

As we walked to the edge of the wards I kept thinking of what would be found, I wouldn't let myself think of him...gone, I couldn't, but he'd been in the cold caves all night... Even if he survived the bite, could he have survived the night? After the guardians left to retrieve the dead...or survivors, I sat with Liss to wait for their return. It would be a while and the tick of each second dragged on... Finally they did return. I leapt up and ran to look, but what I saw drove me to a halt....

Stretchers... Stretchers carrying bodies... Dead bodies.... I could feel the tears prickling at my eyes... One by one the dead filed past me... My shattered heart thumped hard in my chest, plunging each sharp edge of pain further into the pit of my stomach... People were crying, throwing up.... Five bodies went past but time went by so slowly it felt like five hundred, but there was supposed to be six... Six were lost... One didn't come back, one I'd been dreading. He wasn't here... I ran to my mother, who was carrying a stretcher, she knew what I was going to ask...

"Where's Dimitri? Is he.... is he alive?" Oh God... he has to be... they didn't bring his body back, he has to be alive...right? Maybe the prayers worked, maybe they found him still in the caves and were stabilising him before moving him... Maybe they didn't find him and he was still there waiting to be found... My mother didn't answer straight away and I hardly recognised her voice when she did.

"He wasn't there Rose." I stopped breathing... I stumbled over the uneven ground and had to hurry up to catch her again...

"Wait.... What's that mean? Maybe he's injured and left to get help...." She wouldn't look at me, why wouldn't she look at me?

"Molly wasn't there either." Molly.... Molly had been drained, I saw it, she was there, she'd died... Why wasn't she there? Why wasn't Dimitri? I felt my blood start to drain from my face as my already shocked brain tried to fathom what had really happened...

"_No_..."I gasped out... "You don't think..."

A tear leaked out of my mother's eye, my mother doesn't cry.... why is she crying? _No_.... She thought they may have taken him for a snack, and as much as I hated that thought, the other alternative was even worse... She tried to make out that this is probably what happened, but that they were probably dead by now... she was trying to protect me... she's never tried to protect me... I stopped walking... and watched them file past me... Liss caught up to me, she was worried and wanted to know what was happening, but my mind couldn't think of anything other than Dimitri and where he was.... I spun around and ran back to the edge of the wards with Liss running after me. I didn't slow as I crossed the invisible line, Liss did slightly but she crossed it anyway and stood with me. I needed to know what was going on and I knew that there was one way to do that... Mason.

I called to him... "Mason, I need you..." It took him a while but he eventually appeared. His image was like before, but this time it was flickering... His expression was the same as it was the last time I'd seen him but I think he knew what I was going to ask him...

"Mason... Is Dimitri dead?"

He shook his head 'no' and my heart wanted to soar but there were other questions that needed to be answered first.

"Is he alive?" My voice was breaking with emotion... but I knew he'd heard me.

Once again he shook his head 'no'... Neither dead nor alive... _No... _The world around me spun, sparkles of light danced before my eyes... I felt sick, dizzy and thought I was about to faint, but I had to know...

"Is he..." I had to know... "Is Dimitri a strigoi?"

Mason hesitated only a moment like he didn't want to tell me but then he nodded... 'Yes'... _yes_...strigoi. I'd thought my heart was shattered before, but in that second I truly realised what having a shattered heart felt like. My world disintegrated, my soul shrivelled up... then the words of that psychic resonated in my head...

_You will lose what you value the most... _It wasn't me, it wasn't even his life... it was his soul...

I couldn't breathe... I started to rip at the collar of my shirt... I gasped for air... I couldn't bring enough into my lungs... I dropped to my knees and threw up...

He wasn't coming back... he wasn't alive... Dimitri...wasn't alive anymore, he was... Strigoi.

"NOOOO!" The scream ripped from the very depths of my soul... Every splinter of my shattered heart ripped through my body. "No, no, no, no, no...."

"Rose..." Lissa whispered. She was crouched beside me with her arms around my shoulders. "I'm so sorry..."

"No," It came out no more than a pitiful, strangled sound of anguish... The sound of a heart dying...

"Rose, come on, we need to get back."

Tears left my eyes in one steady stream as she pulled me to my feet. Oh God... nausea filled my senses again and I couldn't keep it down. Once more my body rebelled against the pain that enveloped it and tried to purge it any way it could...

"I'm sorry..." Lissa whispered once I was finished. I stood upright staring in the direction of the caves... If I wished hard enough, he'd walk out of the trees... stumble, crawl... I didn't care how; I squeezed my eyes shut; willing it to happen, but when I opened them again all I saw were trees... "Rose...come on." She turned me around and we walked back to the wards...

"He's gone Liss..." I whispered in anguish. "He's... not coming back... he's..." I couldn't say the word; I couldn't say that he was now something that I was trained to kill. If I did, that would make it real...

"I know Rose." The tears never stopped as we walked back to the campus. There weren't too many people around as the sun was out; most were asleep and the Moroi that were awake were staying indoors or in the shadows. I thought the pain of losing Mason was the most crippling pain a person could ever experience... I was wrong. Losing the other half of your soul, the holder of your heart... that was the most pain anyone could experience..._that_ was the worst torture that could be placed on a person.

Somehow I found myself back in my room; Lissa was with me still so she must have walked me here.

"Rose? Can I do anything for you?" she asked. I sat on my bed with my back against the wall and I stared at the desk on the opposite side of the room. Tears still fell; I was in no way able to stop them... Those tears and the fact that I was upright and my eyes were open were the only outward signs that I was still alive... "Rose?" I couldn't think... I could only feel... feel this all encompassing pain...

"Rose... Are you alright?" Who was that? It wasn't Lissa... Christian?

"Why won't she answer Christian...? She's been like that for nearly two hours. She hasn't moved." I could hear and feel her worry, her pain in seeing me like this, but I was too shattered to snap myself out of it.

"Give her time Liss... You need to rest."

"No. I be here for her, I can't let anything happen to her." My eyes closed and the tears doubled... _I won't let anything happen to her... I won't let anything happen to you... _That's what he'd said... I don't know how long I'd cried for before falling asleep, but when I opened my eyes again I was lying on my bed; my back against the wall and Liss was lying beside me asleep. Christian was on the chair beside the bed also asleep. Without moving, my eyes scanned the room, hoping that they would land on the one person that I hoped would be there... but he wasn't. Tears fell again as I closed my eyes and prayed for the nothingness of unconsciousness to swallow me once more.

"Rose." Lissa voice pulled me out of the darkness, more and more I became aware of the world that I just wished would go away. "Rose honey, you need to eat." I opened my eyes and saw her beautiful jade green eyes looking at me with worry; I felt her anguish over my pain as well. I shook my head... I felt sick, if food touched my mouth, I would throw up again. "Please Rose..." Again I shook my head and then closed my eyes once more.

-x-x-x-x-

I can smell dirt... cold, damp, mossy dirt. The smell permeates everything around me. Fear – there's so much fear here that I can almost smell it; taste it on my tongue. I know this place... I know where I am, the caves... Dimitri!

I reach out into the pitch black trying to find a wall, there's nothing... I must be walking along the tunnel. I turn to my left, walking slowly... my foot hits something. It's soft, yet solid. I crouch down feeling out with my hands... it's a body. Hard, cold...dead.

My hands travel to the right...wet...sticky....blood. A face... Oh! Fangs... I stand up reaching forward but walking sideways around the body, I have to come to a wall soon. Only a few more seconds and my hands touch rock and dirt. I can't see a thing...

"Dimitri?" I whisper. I keep walking slowly, reaching out with my toes before putting my foot to the ground, there are bodies here and the last thing I want is to fall onto a strigoi body... "Dimitri?" Nausea... Oh God...

My voice is getting louder, more scared... I'm not alone. I keep walking, I know we brought torches with us, I know that some must still be here. I even saw campfires here before; it can't be long before my eyes have to adjust surely. I walk forward; my left hand on the wall. _Wait...._ The wall feels different. What is that? I can't see...but I can hear my heart beating so loudly. If only I could see, just a bit. I can feel that there is something hard under my hand, but at the same time...soft. What _is_ that?

"Dimitri... are you here?" What's that sound? "Dimitri... are you hurt? If you're here...make a sound..." I stopped walking and concentrated on hearing something, anything.... There it is again... what _is_ that? I jump sideways as the wall beneath my hand moves...

"You shouldn't have come here Roza..." _Dimitri!_ "You should have stayed away. Why did you come back for me?" His voice... it's so cold...

"Oh Dimitri. You're alive..." I whispered into the darkness... I felt the ache in my chest lighten at the thought that he _was_ alive...

"No." He growled. My heart dropped... I tried to feel for him but he was gone. "And neither will you be soon..." His cold breath came against my right ear, sending shivers down my body...

"What..?"

"You should have tried to save me Roza. You promised that you wouldn't let anything happen to me." He was behind me... I spun around to find him.

"I tried... they wouldn't let me. I fought them... but they wouldn't let me."

"You didn't try hard _enough_. Now you have to pay the price..." I screamed as I felt teeth sink into the soft skin of my neck. I tried to fight but he was too strong... my arms hitting out for all that I was worth, but he was too strong...

"ROSE!" I could hear my name... "ROSE, wake up!" _Lissa? _

_No, go Liss; get out of the caves... _How could I get her out of the caves, I was falling, dying...

"Rose..." I could feel the grip on my shoulders, I was being shaken. I opened my eyes and saw Lissa in front of me. My breathing was rapid and I panted as I took in my room... _Wait, wasn't I just in the caves...? _

"Dimitri!" I whispered...

"He's gone Rose." I stared at her, shaking my head... No... My hand came to my neck where he'd bitten me. There was no blood, no bite. It was a dream, no a nightmare. "You were having a nightmare Rose." I closed my eyes once more, this was too hard... why couldn't I just die...? I should have died years ago, if I had, he would still be here, alive.

Sometime later I was pulled out of the darkness by voices... dull, muffled, far away voices....

"I came to see why I hadn't seen her at breakfast." It was a woman, I knew that much.

"What happened has been a shock to her; she's not coping very well. I'm scared for her." That was Lissa's voice.

"When was the last time she ate?" There was the voice again... Alberta? I felt someone touch my face and then the bed moved against their weight. They pulled my hair away from my face.

"I'm not sure, but I think it was before the rescue." _Rescue... what rescue...that wasn't a rescue... it was a...killing field. He died, there __was__ no rescue..._

"Rose. Wake up Rose." She shook my body and I slowly opened my eyes to see Alberta beside me. Her eyes showed her pain, no-one escaped feeling pain, some were just experiencing more than others. "Rose you need to eat. He wouldn't want you to do this." I closed my eyes as more tears started to flow... "Rose, the memorial service is today." _Memorial... today? How long had I been here?_

I turned my head to look around the room and saw Lissa standing at the end of my bed. Her normally shining, sparkling eyes were now red and bloodshot, her face gaunt. She looked like she hadn't slept or fed in days...

"Li..." my voice wouldn't work, so I tried to put more effort in... "Liss." A tear fell onto her cheek as she ran around to squat beside my bed. Her hand reached out and stroked my hair.

"I'm here Rose. I'm here."

"He's not here anymore..." I whispered to her. Another tear fell from her tired red eyes.

"I know. You need to eat. The service is in three hours. Do you want to go?"

Did I? If I went, I'd have to say goodbye, I'd have to acknowledge that he really was dead, could I do that? I pushed myself to sit up in my bed but my head was so dizzy. Liss darted off and came back seconds later with a chocolate donut. She was trying to smile but I couldn't return it.

"How long?" I asked. She was confused at my question. "How long since..."

"Two days." She said sadly. Two days... The world had been void of his existence for two whole days... I swung my legs over the side of the bed and they touched the carpet. Two whole days.... I jumped up and ran to my bathroom to be sick. Not much came out though; you have to put something in, for something to come out. I brushed my teeth and came back out to my room and saw a dress hanging from the handle of my wardrobe door. A black dress. I walked over to it and touched the simple, unadorned black satin. I had to go...for him. But I wouldn't say goodbye. Never.

We made our way to the church. Liss on one side, Christian on the other. They tried to hold me, but I shook them off. I would walk there under my own steam, even if it was a tad unsteady. People turned as we walked in, but I didn't see any faces bar the one that was looking back to me from the picture on the easel at the front of the church. Familiar deep brown eyes stared back at me, warm brown hair tied at the nape of his neck, a smile that could make my legs go to jelly. I just wanted to reach out and hold that photo in my arms but I kept my guardian mask on.

I felt Liss take me by the arm and lead me to the front of the church. Albert was the only one there and she moved over to give us room. For the next hour I sat three feet away from the last image I would see of his beautiful face, my eyes never left the photo and I never heard a thing that was said.

"Rose." Lissa's voice broke through my protective bubble. "Everyone's gone, it's finished." I was pulled up by hands on either side of me. As they pulled me forward, my legs buckled and everything went black.

When I awoke next, it was to the bright lights of the clinic. "Welcome back Little Dhampir." I looked to my left to see Adrian sitting there. He looked terrible. There was no white in his eyes; just bloodshot, red cobwebs... Under his eyes were black and even being this far from him, I could still smell the strong scent of cloves and alcohol.

"Hey." I said softly. We never said anything other than that but when Liss came in, they took me back to my room. Apparently I'd been unconscious for a day and I'd been tube fed as well... As I sat at my desk chair; looking out of my window, memories of my time with Dimitri flickered through my head. Catching me with Jesse, the first kiss, realising that he loved me as much as I loved him... the night at the cabin... to name a few. The trip to the mall in Missoula.

_What would you want if you knew you were going to be converted into Strigoi against your will? What would you want? _He asked me.

_If I became Strigoi._..._I would want someone to kill me. _I said honestly.

_So would I. _He said quietly.

He never wanted this; he would rather be dead, really dead. Not this... I knew what I had to do. I took a deep breath and stood up.

I shook my head slowly. "Are you alright Rose? Do you need anything?" Lissa asked me.

"I think I'm going to have a shower and then I think I need to eat." I had to build up my strength for what I was going to do next. A small smile pulled at her mouth and as I stepped into my bathroom I heard her speaking to Adrian.

"That's a good sign...isn't it?"

"Maybe Liss... Maybe."

The next two days went by in a blur, classes were still cancelled, Guardians, teachers and students milled around the Academy...lost, sad. Some students had been taken away until school was to resume; their parents thinking it would help alleviate their moods. Yeah, right. I spent a lot of time in the weights room, I couldn't go back into the gym, there were just too many memories there. I sparred with some of the other novices; even Alberta sparred with me once. But everyone knew not to speak to me; if they did I'd just glare at them and walk away.

I'd spent the last couple of days going over my plan in my head, I knew what I had to do, I just didn't know how I was going to accomplish it. I needed money... money I didn't have. I couldn't ask Lissa, she'd want to know why I wanted it and if she knew then she'd want to come with me. No... Where I was going would be too dangerous for her, too dangerous for me really, but I had to do it. Then I thought of something, Adrian. He had the resources to help; I knew that he liked me, could I ask this of him? Could I play on his feelings for me? Yes... I could. I had to.

I was alone in my room and it was nearly curfew, but I had just enough time to go see Adrian. I took a deep breath and walked to my window... Here goes nothing... Without his help or not, I would be leaving tomorrow, but it would make things a whole lot easier if he would help finance my mission to free the other half of my soul from eternal damnation.


End file.
